Cristina's Subconscious Mind
by youngheejin
Summary: Starts where Cristina realizes she wasn't good enough for Burke and decided to leave him but at the end Burke proved her wrong that she was everything he wants.


Disclaimer: I wrote this after Burke left Cristina. I don't own Grey's Anatomy and any of the characters. This is just a fan fiction, a result of my imagination. I tried my best. This is the first. Sorry about the grammatical errors, and superfluous. I'm not a writer. I wrote this. Just figured out that if I won't post this, it will be put to waste, whatever. I'm not really good at this. Please bear with me. I don't have any grudges of them breaking up. Whatever is going to happen between them I am still going to be Burke and Cristina's fan.

**Cristina's subconscious mind**

Cristina Yang is known to be cold, angry, competitive, selfish intern, and thinks that second best is for mediocre. A lot of people don't get her and assumes that she's not going to succeed because of her bedside manners. To her, to become a surgeon, a certain amount of self-obsession is necessary. As of now she is engage to Preston Burke, the head of cardiothoracics, her attending.

I am Cristina Yang. I know I am the best. I know what I want and that is to become a great surgeon. I got here into Seattle Grace Hospital to learn from the best to learn from Dr. Preston Burke. I have been an admirer since I can't remember. I got myself here with a purpose of becoming a great surgeon and had assume that I am going to be a by the book doctor and who will never do anything wrong. But somewhere along the way, I strung myself to someone I never expected I would. I got involved with someone. His not just a someone. His older than me. His my attending. His Preston Burke. At first, I assumed it's just casual sex. Until things got out of control and messy. We got involved without even realizing it. If not for the pregnancy and longingness we wouldn't know. I'm Cristina I don't do commitments because they might take your life away from you, because you'll get weak and out of control. Then why did I allow it to happen in the first place? To tell you the truth, I wasn't even aware it's happening. Until it happened. Until he dumped me and lost my edge. When I started to long for him I already lost that edge, it's not me anymore, its the weaker me. He changed me into a person I dont even know that existed. I don't like to change. It's not wrong not to want change. Honestly, matter of factly all people are resistant to change. I like the way I live my life but I can't live without him.

To other people since I was young until I reach the age of maturilty, I'm selfish, miserable, spoiled, arrogant and not even the marrying kind. You know what? I don't care at all!

But this time, I am not gonna let it pass. I am going to make a big deal out of it because I need a break. . So here it is. I am well aware how horibble I am. But it doesn't mean I won't succeed. That doesn't mean I am not capable of changing to become the better person that I can be. I am selfish, mean, and very private. That's not gonna change! Deal with it. But I can be better. I know I still have a lot of things to learn to be great Im open to that as long as it could help my career. It's not my fault I am like this, well in some ways, it. is. I appreciate my mother but the only problem between me and my mother is that I am not the person she raise. My genes are calling to me. That's why I live my life like this. My father died! You can't blame me for becoming miserable, for shutting my doors, for being feirce, and for pushing people away. My father left me. He was the best but his gone now. He bled out in front of me. It's one of the reason I became a doctor to make up for my dad. I save lives Im not very selfish. I am not that bad. And the only person who can see through me is Burke that's why I'm sticking.

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Cristina made her choice. She is doing this for him. She loves Burke. She knows she can't live without him. His perfect. He is good in everything he does. That is why she is here to learn from him. But not anymore at this time, she realized she is here to have both her career and the love of her life. But I'm not good enough. He was doing great before I got into his life. He is a person with great integrity and discipline. Her mother raise him so well to the point that it could really state the obvious which she is not the right one for him. He needs a woman who will take steps for him to be happy, who will bring him coffee, who will get along with his mother because his mother is important to him, a woman who will support him, who will never leave his side when his having his own surgery, a woman who will answer to"what should i do?" when his lost, someone who will take care of him, someone who will not push him to recover, a woman who will stay in the morning and cook breakfast for him and eat with him, a woman who will spend holidays with him building his freaking christmas tree, and a woman who will give him children. "_**Your mother was right. I am selfish. Its not gonna last. I got mad when she said that but now I agree with her. Someday you might not be able to put up with my attitude. You are always giving, and I keep on taking. This is not the Cristina you know. She never gives up. This is not me. I never give up. I will never give you up. But I love you I dont wanna hurt you. I know I did before many times. But the pain I've caused you doesnt outweigh the happiness I am giving. I want you to be happy. I want you to continue being the best doctor that I know. I want you to become much better just like you wanted. And I believe that is going to happen if you have the right person with you. You are Preston Burke. You're perfect. You're full of integrity. I believe that you won't have that integrity if I am with you. I am just doing the right thing. I am doing this because this is good for you. You get to have the life you want before you met me. I love you so much. You are the love of my life. I would love to marry you over and over again. I really love you to become my husband. You changed me. I should have hate you but I dont instead I am grateful. **_

_**This is actually not the time to talk about Marlow. But I want you to know. I am not really sure I have love him in the past. But you, I love you. I'm sure. You are special to me. I will always love you . You are my life. I dont really know how to live my life without you but I will try. I am doing this for you. I will do everything to make you happy but the problem is I am not right person for you. Im sure everyone believes that. I now understand what your mother means. I figured out that she really loves you that's why she wants to make sure you get to live your life happy and not spend it with someone so selfish. My selfishness, I need it because it defines me. If I started being nice to other people, it won't be the real me it would just be pretending. But I want you to know that my stay here changed me into a different person. I learn to love, to care, and to trust. On the other way around, I brought problems to your life. I am leaving I dont wanna wreck your life and your career and most of all I dont want to wreck your relationhsip to your mother. I'm sorry. I am going to start over again if I could. Now that I am leaving you I am not really sure if I could still leave but I have to do this because its the right thing to do. I came here to Seattle Grace Hospital to learn from the best. To learn from you but I end up getting more than what I have bargained for. Getting everything. Your love. You.**_"

Cristina wipe a single tear on her right cheek. She can't believe she had come to her realizations on her wedding day. Her realizations, she was not thinking it, she was actually reading it. She plan to leave this letter for Burke to understand that, nothing's wrong with him or with their relationship. She wants him to understand. She was wrong for him.

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Everyone was getting worried. Cristina is taking so long to walk at the aisle. Meredith excused herself silently with Izzie to check on Cristina. They came back with a letter in hand passing it to Burke. Everyone was mostly wearing the same expression sympathy and sadness. Burke took the letter and read it slowly twice. He took a deep breath Jane Burke came to him to comfort him. "Cristina is a private person and I understand that but you should read her letter." Burke ran off the church to follow Cristina. He doesnt really know where she would've gone but he'll search everywhere. His not letting her go. He wants to tell her that she is the love of his life that he cant live without her, she's not selfish, she's the right one for him, he'll never be happy without her, she's his life, he made it through a lot of things because of her, that he doesnt care about Marlow, he only cares about being with her, that she is the best... He actually had a lot of things to tell her.

Back at the church a lot of people had left expect for meredith, izzie, george, alex, bailey, burke's parents, cristina's parents, the chief, addison, and shepherd. They were all quiet. Dont know what to say. They were shock not of Cristina leaving but because of the message of the letter. Yes, they've read the letter. They wanna know what she has to say because to them she isn't making sense. Knowing she loves Burke because they've gone through a lot of things. They never thought Cristina would say those words. Sure Cristina loves Burke. But they have programmed it to there mind that she is selfish and will always be selfish but believes that she will become a better person and a doctor because of Burke. But the letter its not selfish, its giving, loving, caring, and other words they couldn't think it exist.

Meredith spoke up staring into space. "Cristina, she's not selfish. She just wants to keep things to herself. She's competitive but she cares. You should have seen her when she told me Burke broke up with her. She was sad. She was upset. She cried she lost him, their baby, and her fallopian tube all in one day."

Izzie absently added while staring to Meredith. "She cried for them. She got out of control. George even have to sedate for her to calm down."

Jane Burke was confused. "You sedated her? because she is crying and got out of control."

George explained. "She had a miscarriage. Dr. Montgomery" she raised her hand "did everything she could to save the baby but they were too much damage. She had to remove Cristina's fallopian tube. She was recovering from the operation. She was a patient then. I have to sedate her to calm down."

Meredith have to tell them. "She had a miscarriage because I forced to go jugging with me earlier in the morning."

Bailey spared Meredith. " It was not Meredith's fault. The baby died because it was planted at the wrong site. It was an ectopic pregnancy."

Meredith summarized. "The point is we needed to sedate her."

Helen Rubenstein. "Preston visited her when she was recovering. I never thought she was involved with him. When she was crying, they told me to leave. I got back and she's already been sedated but still crying. She doesnt want to be touch. The only person she permitted to touch her is Preston. That's how I found out."

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Cristina changed into her jeans inside the room as fast as she could so she could pack all her things from Burke's apartment. But them she heard a clicking of the door. Burke let himself in. He was breathing very fast but relief that he made it. Cristina turned and was shock. Before she could say anything Burke pulled her body to a tight embrace saying in a low voice in a repeating manner. "I won't let you go. I won't let you go." His hold of her is getting tighter. Cristina is trying to push him away "Let go of me. I have to do this. "but can't till she brokedown to a cry and return the embrace.

Cristina aimlessly kept crying.

"ssh... stop please..." Burke her face kiss her forehead and lifted her head. He looked at her intently.

"You are right one for me. You're not selfish. I love you and you love me that's all that matters." Cristina doesnt know how to respond. Despite of what she did. His still here holding her. A thought came out of her mind. "I dont deserve you. What did I do to deserve you?" Cristina stared at his eyes critically asking him some answers

"Everything. You worked your ass to get here. God thinks you dont just deserve to learn from me but to have me. And because He knows I deserve you too. You're everything to me. You're my life. I love you so much." Burke caressed her left cheek slowly and kissed her. He hugged her.

Cristina cried again. "Im sorry."

"Does that mean. I can still be your husband?"Cristina is surprised. She's really happy but couldn't answer yes because she felt embarrased that all off their efforts didnt pay off because of what she did.

"No?"Burke ask her not really sure how to feel.

"Of course I do. The wedding, I mean the reservation was gone. I dont know how to face them. The reception was gone. My parents and your parents hates me. I dont know what my friends think about me..." They both forget that the door was still open. Jane Burke came to the door. "No, there's still a reservation, the reception, your parents are still here, me and my husband are still here, your friends love you, they care for you, and I'm sorry. I dont know you. I might think that you're not the right person for Preston but I am aware how you love each other that's why I never objected on the wedding. As long as you can make my son happy and if you can give me grandchildren, I'll be happy to accept you as a daughter. You're good for my son."

"Mama, what do you mean? " Burke was confused.

Jane explained. "We decided to help you find Cristina. Me and your father decided to check here. We heard you were here so we called the others to fix things. The wedding was still on. Hurry up people are still waiting at the church." Cristina was in shock and couldn't speak but really very happy right now. Jane Burke smiled to her son then left. Burke couldn't believe what just his mother did and said but a smile is playing on his lips.

"You should change to your dress. And this time, I am going to guard you."Burke closed the door and crossed his arms.

Cristina smiled at him. She came closer to him, held his face and kissed him softly. "Burke, I'm not going anywhere. Now that I am sure marrying you is the right thing to do."Burke hold her waist and pulled her to a kiss. "You got 30 minutes to change. I'll call mama to help you. This time Im waiting outside the door."

On the church, Shepherd run to Bailey and Meredith to tell them the news. "Mrs. Burke called. She said the wedding was still on."

"The wedding we still on? Thank God."Meredith excitedly said making callie and izzie face each other jump for joy while they got each other by the hand. When they realized they split up and behave. Meredith laughed at them. Bailey told the chief and the others to be on their cue for the bride-to-be and the groom-to-be is about to arrive.

Everyone was relief that the wedding was still on.

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Cristina stirred softly, slowly in her pillow only to find out that the wedding is just a dream, her waking up looking forward of marrying Burke is just another dream. Burke is really gone. He left her. And she doesnt know if she's fine at all. She remembered talking to Meredith before Burke left. She phoned Meredith. "I'm getting married today." She said in a calm voice. Before Meredith could speak, Cristina added. "My vows aren't ready yet." Meredith assured her. "Don't worry. You're going to be fine. "

Cristina: "Ok, Good. Got it."

Meredith: "Your marrying Burke. And you're going to have your happy ending."

Cristina: "Right. I need to go. I might get late." She hunged up and run off the hospital.

Cristina as always ready and is on top of her game, can't stop herself on talking about cutting people.

That was supposed to be there wedding day but he left.

This is her third day of reality without Burke. She's free just like before. She's relief but heartbroken.

It all started with just coffee.

"Thanks for the coffee." she says and he came toward her and kiss her.

_Alice was a poser  
The kind who'd take her clothes off  
And sit in a room full of frozen faces  
I heard she went to find God  
In the Indian sub-continent  
It's mad she had to go so far_

But you, fall on me, and watch TV  
Pass me the phone, I need a conversation  
You're feeling down, just like this town  
Your eyes they always sparkle me with love  


Then he got me pregnant. He broke up with me like it was business, like he was the boss of me, and the worst is I care. It pisses me off.

But he got back with me. He kept taking the next step for our relationship. He wants me to move in with him. Then he wants me to take care of him I'm not complaining. I wanted this to happen so I let him happen in my life. If I really dont like to have a relationship with him. I could have said no. But I didin't, instead I end up saying "Ok! were a couple. Whatever!" I dont know how he got me to answer that. Oh yes, I remember its because of the porn guy. That porn guy spends his time watching porns all day to get sedated. His wife is even thankful or grateful because his husband took away her pain. I figured out. That's what he did. He caused me pain when he dumped me but in the end we needed each other. He is new to me. I never been into a very serious relationship. I never love someone until he came along. I never do commitments but I tried to, to be with him.

_And I know I need you more now  
To run and never turn around  
Sparkle the world with what Alice found _

I hide his tremors cause I'm sticking. I said yes to marry him. I agreed to have a traditional wedding because I want to have my happy ending because I need him. Isn't it obvious? He left me because I'm not the Cristina he used to know. He had to let me go. So I can be me. He changed me. And I let him do that because I am willing to take the risk so I could be with him. My career is important to me. We may have different view points but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I'm happy. I was going through the wedding but like what he did before. He didn't let me, he just ended it.

_Rip out the stupid phone, we need a conversation  
You feel this time, to be just mine is  
To shake the world alive_

Yes. I'm not grateful because he left me. Of course my career is important to me. But I changed myself for him. I opened up to him. I have let him in. I gave up my apartment for him. I showed him the real me. I brought him coffee. I took care of him when his recovering from his surgery. I've taken risks for him. I almost lost my career when I got pregnant of his baby. I almost die when I had the miscarriage because his damn sperm planted a fetus ectopically. I almost got kicked out of the program because we became a team. But I never regret any of those. Because I found him. And yes! I'm not grateful because I am Cristina Yang. The woman he used to know. The woman he fell inlove with. He left me and he thinks he did me a favor. I needed him. I love him. He knows that. I tried, damn it!

I got scared when he was shot because I care for him and I don't want to lose him just like my father.

I said I love you too when he was sleeping.

Why?

What's wrong with me?

Why didn't he cleared the things he want?

So? what we've gone through is not really that important? I thought he loves. I love him that's why I'm marrying him. Holy crap!

I'm still Cristina Yang. The person he used to know.

**"There's nothing wrong with being single.**

**It's nice to be free, I can stay out late every night,**

**I can wear whatever I want,**

**I can just be my plain old self..**

**The whole world sees that I can take care of myself...**

**But to tell you the truth, **

**I wouldn't mind having someone walk me home,**

**I wouldn't mind wanting to look good or trying to be better for someone,**

**I wouldn't mind letting someone hold me when I'm just to weak to go on.**

**It's nice to be free but I wouldn't mind being bound to someone who loves me**

**- Single's Journal."**

**-Fin**


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